The Tomb Robber's Guide to the Pyramids
by SerenaArythusa
Summary: The rest of it (Diabound, that is) was a very, very large and winged humanoid monster. It was terrifying. It was terrible. It was still sitting on the guards. [climax moment]
1. Act one: Egypt

Okay, people, before I start the story, a little author's note. Okay, we all know that Yami Bakura's role in ancient Egypt was a tomb robber, right? Good. Right, we all know that. Think Lara Croft. Yami Yugi or Yu-Gi-Oh is Pharaoh-to-be in this first chapter at least, alright? Just wanted to get that straight. Oh yes, and Kaiba. The priest. Know him, love him, ya know. I don't suppose Yami Malik had a role in here, did he? It's only logical ,but I really haven't heard anything about it. Well, but anyway, just wanted to clear that up, I'm leaving now. Bye

... oh, and you do know in that one episode that when Honda threw the Millenium Ring out the window, he wasn't getting rid of Yami Bakura... he threw Ryou out the window! *breaks into hysterics* Heh heh... okay. Bye.

_____________________________________________________________________

Yami sighed, staring out the window to what looked like the sad result of a toddler's building blocks and a whole bunch of ants. "At the rate we're going, the pyramid's never going to be finished."

"Are you blaming me?" said Baroten, the highest overseer of the pyramid's construction. Personally, he would have much rather taken the day off than sit here, hoping for a miracle to finish this in, oh, I don't know, the next thirty years. "I'm no Imhotep. You can't expect something like this to get done in a month."

"Point taken." The Pharaoh sighed. "I don't distrust my father's judgement of time, but it seems as if the gods have slowed this process tenfold."

Before Baroten had time to think up a good, religious-related excuse (Where was that priest when he needed him?) a skinny worker came zipping through the hall, running straight into him. Not unlike a locust running into a particularly large rock. 

"Excuse me, s-sirs," he stuttered, "We have a report of two bandits at the eastern edge, near the Nile." (Again? thought Yami.) He handed Baroten a scroll of papyrus.

Baroten scanned the two names of the suspects and sighed. "Guess who?"

______________________________________________________________________

Bakura and Ceryan fled along the path winging along the Nile river. "Next time you feel like yelling 'Tomb raiders here!' in public, wait until we're out of hearing range!" Bakura growled. 

"Sorry," Ceryan panted, looking back. "I think they've given up chasing us. C'mon, let's count the gold." 

"This is getting easier by the day," Bakura noted, "It's almost getting boring." 

"So, you'd rather go legitimate?" 

He thought about this for a moment. "No. But you have to admit, for former slaves, we're doing awfully well."

"Two hundred golds bars of stolen goods and thrice as much as a reward to see us dead. . . . Not bad. Not bad at all." 

"Except the dead part."

"Obviously," 

The sun was reaching its high point in the sky, and whatever shade the Egyptian landscape provided was quite scarce. Both were quite tired from the morning's ordeal (becoming illegally rich is a tiring business, did you know that?) So either objected to an early lunch. A stolen one, that is. . . .

As they crossed the unpaved streets, they spotted what looked like a huge ordeal of a festival not far from where they stood.

"What'dya think that is?" Ceryan wondered aloud. 

Bakura shrugged. "Some festival for the gods. Anubis, Ra, Set, someone like that. Most likely with a monosyllabic name. I lost track a while ago." 

"With a mouth like yours, I'd stay away from that priest, Kaiba."

Bakura gave him a withering look. "With a mouth like yours, I'd stay away from places prone to avalanches. Besides, Kaiba's just one kid. I don't believe in any of that 'divine intervention' stuff anyway. It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."

"Good point."

"What can I say? A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle-" But Ceryan pushed in back before he could finish because the religious festival was spreading. From Bakura's perspective, which was now from under a pile of leftover salted fish bones, a parade from the opposite street seemed to mutate and slowly take over the whole promenade. From the corner of his eye he spotted the priest, seated at the highest point of the crowd. "To hell with that stuck up brat," he muttered. "Lucky, rich, b-"

"Forget him," Ceryan hissed, "See the girls in the front there, dancing? That's what we should be paying attention to." 

"Ah." He found this to be an unnecessarily elaborate celebration; it must have taken months to keep these people from running into each other. "Perhaps we should just snag some fish from the pyramid construction cooks. You've got half the town here; you'd think they'd recognize a pair of infamous tomb robbers, eh?"

Ceryan pointed in the opposite direction, where, seconds before, there had been a nice, neat row of cooked fish."No, I think we'd have better luck getting through Anubis's scale in the afterlife." This had been replaced by a crowd of bulky slaves, sweating and stinking up the whole street. One dropped his fish on the floor, and immediately a gruesome fistfight had broken out.

"I'll pass." Bakura gulped. 

"And the Pharaoh wonders why this is never getting done. Clearly, he is in denial. . . ."

________________________________________________________________________

Kaiba, on the other hand, was completely unaware of the two outlaws. For a moment. . . .

He was constantly reminding himself that the Pharaoh (the current one, that is; Yami's father) was the human form of Ra and how ironic it would seem for the high priest to curse him to the second death. He was a priest, but also a real person. A real person has two reasons for doing anything: the good reason, and the real reason. The truth was that he thought the Pharaoh was past the point of actually interesting him in anything he ever said and just a tad bit stupid. The good, religious reason was that he displeased the gods. ...But of course, he wouldn't say anything. He did have to keep his position.

He took out his ritual book. Actually, he only had performed a fraction of them, since half the needed items were rarely there. Crazy ideas, some of them. Two white dragons? Doubtful anyone would ever find those. He read it over. Interesting enough, but it needed a few . . . subtle adjustments. He added a few more hieroglyphics to the spell. No one saw that, right? 

Now, as for why the two tomb raiders had such a problem staying unseen.... It had to do with the first appearance of a Duel Monster and the one, single, most important law of The Tomb Robber's Guide to the Pyramids: If it's furry, cute, and cuddly looking, stay away. Stay far, far away. And although he two completely ignored the first woman's scream at the appearance of Kuribo, it wasn't to be unknown for long. Alarmed at the yell, Bakura was taken off guard (Had the scream been about him? Ra, he didn't know he was that popular.) and backed right into the furry little beast. Not really sure how to respond, the Kuribo did what it did best:

Boom!

"Dammit, Bakura, what did you do?" Ceryan's shout floated over the blast. 

"What did I do?" the other yelled back. "I'm not the one who blew up!"

Kaiba, who had never actually seen the infamous tomb robbers face-to-face, was surprised to recognize the palace servant that had spilled a gallon of red dye on his newest robe a few years ago. Well, what a surprise. And, of course, this would be a perfect time for a masochistic-religious figure TheGodsAreDispleased declaration. But, then again, this could be a rare opportunity to catch the two troublemakers. Given the chance, a whole army would be sent out on them, which would be easier on his part.

The smoke from the explosion cleared, revealing what used to be a busy marketplace. A group of soldiers took up their spears and ran after the wrongly-accused-for-once convicts. There, problem solved. 

No, apparently not. You didn't trust anything to illiterate army men. Kaiba would have had his doubts even if there hadn't been an excessive amount of pushing and crashing. "Honestly. . . ." Seeing as a chase such as this was getting no where, he slid out of his chair unnoticed and followed behind. "If I get as much as a scratch from this, things are going to be verrrryy unpleasant around here. . . ."

________________________________________________________________

"Well, that went well."

"One could put it that way," Ceryan panted. "I mean, we lost our day's loot, but it's not like you get to see the equivalent of Chinese Fireworks every day."

"You don't say?" said Bakura, who was slowly tearing a piece of papyrus to tiny shreds. "Has anyone ever told you that fireworks are only pretty when they're not using you as target practice?"

"No, actually. But it's logical."

They were walking down a deserted hall in the overseer's tomb they had been in earlier. It was recently built, meaning not only was the gold worth as much as it ever would be, but it scratched at Ceryan's conscience like nails on a blackboard.

"Just because of us, somebody's going to have a very miserable afterlife." he lectured. 

"You know," Bakura said loftily, "Being the kleptomaniac that I am, I really don't believe in the afterlife at all. And how can I even have a conscience? I can't even spell it."

"So you're just planning to die, then? Nothing after?" Ceryan's voice was beginning to echo through the hall.

"Ah, yes, that's about it," Bakura said with nonchalance.

"Well, perhaps some of us actually plan for a good afterlife, and would prefer not to get sent back by the damned Feather of Truth!"

"I'll be sure to tell Anubis exactly how much you appreciate him." said a voice behind him. Kaiba, the priest from the festival, carrying an uncannily large book. "For such expert criminals, you're quite the amateurs. I could hear you two through the halls of the step pyramid."

"I robbed the step pyramid, thank you very much." Bakura said in much the same tone. Ceryan gave him a nudge in the shoulder, trying rather desperately to send the message 'Shut up! Shut up!' telepathically. He appeared to more or less get the message because the next second they were speeding down the hall in the opposite direction. This was really, really not his day.

The tomb robber's guide to the pyramids highly recommends that, if discovered, one should flee as far from the scene of the crime as possible. And had Bakura heeded this piece of advice, he might never have avoided this whole situation entirely. Unfortunately, he was, as stated previously, a kleptomaniac, and they hadn't exactly cleaned out the whole place. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a magnificent glint of gold. Suddenly hoping to make up for the lost gold that morning, he stopped, rooted to the spot. 

On top, almost hovering over a pile of copper and silver, was a particularly shiny ring. Sure, if you tried to point out exactly what was so mysterious about it, you couldn't, but mysterious nonetheless. It looked powerful. It looked radiant.

It looked expensive.

_______________________________________________________________________

Once again... *yawn* is this okay? It's my first fanfic with...you know... a plot. 

Bakura: correction, first successful one. 

Right, but anyway... as for next chapter, eh heh... isn't it convenient how, in ancient Egypt, Kaiba can disguise an attempt to murder his two least favorite tomb robbers by calling it a sacrifice to the gods?

Bakura: *goes all pale*

Oh... and Ceryan is a guy, by the way. Just want to clear that up. ...He and Bakura kind of get along, but not always. Get it? Oh, and Bakura refers to Yami Bakura. Duuuuhh.

Bakura: And remember, boys and girls, grasshoppers are baby man-eater bugs! (^.^)


	2. Wasn't me

"Um, Bakura?"

"Yes?"

"Ah, nothing, it's just that...that..."

"Yes, I know. . . . I know."

"Eh, sorry about back there, you know?"

Bakura didn't say anything for a while. "It's a bit difficult to accept apologies when you're suspended over a boiling vat of oil about to be sacrificed to the gods, you know?"

"Ah. I see." 

Ceryan squinted past the flame in the center of the room to the highest chair. "Hey, what's with the headdress?"

Bakura followed his gaze. "Looks like Yu-Gi-Oh's filling in for his father this time around. The Pharaoh must've gotten injured in that explosion earlier today."

"That...is a headdress, right?"

"Better be." He strained his eyes a little harder. "No, that's his hair, all right."

"Damn...!"

"No kidding. But shouldn't we be worrying about some rich kid anyhow. Where did Kaiba go, anyway?" 

Ceryan looked around. Indeed, the priest who had put them here in the first place was nowhere to be found. "This could be a potential escape plan."

"Hmm?" Then the ring that he found back in the tomb slipped from under his shirt. "Actually, an escape plan may be in order after all." 

___________________________________________________________________

As for where Kaiba was....

"What a timely moment for this to happen..." The thing about priests' robes back then. . . . The more expensive they were, the more difficult it was to put it on right. He really didn't have any choice but to change clothes; the ones he had worn in the tomb were quite dirty now, not at all fit for something ceremonial. The current indigo one, while probably the most fitting for the occasion, was at least two feet too long.

He tied a rope around his waist and tied it. Relatively simple. Then he scrunched up part of the robe around his waist so it wasn't dragging along on the floor, and then took a long piece of silk to cover up the scrunched up part. This was not as easy as it sounds, mind you. Because as soon as he had it around one half of his body, the other half of the robe fell down back to its normal length. And if he tried to fix that, the other side would slip down right out of the silk. And while holding both sides stationary, he usually couldn't reach the silk. So, most of the time, he was running around in circles like a dog chasing his tail. Kind of ironic.

He looked outside. By the height of the sun, it seemed he had no more than twenty minutes to finish and get to the temple. Great, just great. Eventually, he did manage to tie it correctly. This, of course, was before he realized that he had also tied his long sleeves into it. And so the process repeats....

This time around the silk was considerably less cooperative. Ten minutes later, he was completely tangled in what resembled in a very large, complicated, yet unruly spider web. Now outside it was completely dark, with purplish clouds hovering overhead. 

"Need help there, kimono boy?"

"Oh, hello there, Bakura. I'm a bit busy at the moment, though, if you don't-" He did a double take. "Wait, how did you get in here? And are the clouds supposed to be purple?"

"Really, if I can go around robbing tombs, shouldn't I be able to get out of a-eh, life-threatening situation?" He paused for a moment. That had sounded pretty stupid. "You need help with the obi?" He smirked.

He untangled himself from the web and stood up straight. "First of all, it's not a kimono, it's a robe. Not a dress, a robe. Second of all, I do not need an obi. I just need this thing tied."

"Right, the...robe. What do I do?"

"Take that silk and tighten it enough so it doesn't fall down again."

"Got it..." And then he yanked the white fabric as hard as he could, which is pretty hard. 

Kaiba wretched. "I'd...like...to...be...able...to BREATHE...as well!" From outside, Ceryan exploded with laughter.

"You never specified." Bakura said defensively. He took an involuntary step backwards. "Now what do you say?"

"Forget it."

"Say it."

"No!"

"Say it! Say, 'Thank you, Bakura!'"

"Okay, okay..." He groaned. "'Thank you, Bakura.'" He glanced outside again. "Now, about the clouds..."

"I didn't do it!" cried Ceryan, jumping up and down frantically. "It's Bakura's fault!"

"Me? Most certainly not. It was your idea for an escape plan in the first place."

"Listen." Kaiba sighed, pinning both of the outlaws to the wall. "I don't care which one of you did it. The fact is that it's there."

"I swear..." Bakura began, "I was SO not responsible for that massacre back there."

"Really," Ceryan continued, "nice Mr. Priest...person... Kaiba! May I call you Seto?"

"You REALLY don't need to sacrifice me to the gods... What? Oh, this? It's just my dagger. Ya... yes, it is quite sharp."

"No, sir, that's not blood. It's red dye."

"Ya, like the dye I spilled all over your best robes a few years back. Eh, heh..."

"...what are you going to do with that rod?"

Bakura looked over the golden rod Kaiba now held in his hand. "Where did you get that?"

"Back in the temple, actually." He grinned. "Does imply a sense of respect for me, doesn't it?"

Bakura laughed. "You don't even know how to use that thing!" ("Neither do you!" Ceryan hissed.)

True, Kaiba thought. There was a profound pause, then, "I know it's heavy." And he promptly whacked Bakura upside the head with it. 

________________________________________________________________________

Later that night, or day... It might have been night or day, as it was quite difficult to tell in the place later known as the shadow realm. 

"Kaiba!" a woman gasped, running towards him. "Thank goodness you're here! There's been a terrible accident... a dragon..." 

A dragon? He raised an eyebrow intently. "Where is it?"

"Last heard of, he was headed toward the Nile..."

He let out an exasperated sigh. "The Nile could mean one of some three thousand different locations all over Egypt. Could you be a bit more specific?" 

The woman pointed a shaky finger southeast. 

"I suppose that's a valid answer..." And without much further ado, he made his way to the banks of the vast river. 

"Need any help?"

"No, Bakura, I do not need your help. It's just a tiny thing. Like a lizard."

"Your in denial..."

"Yes, I AM in the Nile. Pronounce it correctly. And at the moment, I am cold, wet and not very happy. So, I highly suggest you go. I've got it covered, thank you." The dragon, serpentine and long, appeared to be fast asleep. He admitted that he could use Bakura's dagger...

"But..."

"But nothing. I can handle this." The dragon's head stuck out from what appeared to be a large mountain. Perfect. Just chop the stupid thing off.

"But..."

"What part of no don't you understand?" Standing at a good angle, he brought the blade down on the dragon's neck, which separated easily. "See?"

"But...Kaiba...that's...that's not the dragon."

"W-what?"

"That's his tail." 

Kaiba looked up. Silence. "Ooooohh..." There was the body, about ten times the size of an ordinary temple. "I...get it. I thought it was the...dragon but it's the tail...and the whole thing...is...the...dragon." 

"Ya." More silence. "Well, you wanted to get rid of me, so, goodbye!"

The dragon roared and shook itself from the water. "Oh, for Ra's sake... WAIT FOR ME!" Problem was, he couldn't really run in the tightened robe he was wearing. Somehow, some way, it always came back to Bakura... He flipped through various rituals in his book, ut nothing seemed to fit the situation he found himself in. (Gee, ya think?)

Something hit him in the back. Ceryan. He grabbed the ritual book from Kaiba and began reading off of it randomly. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he yelled.

But apparently he did know. Or perhaps not. Because, in a matter of seconds, the gigantic, yet tail-less dragon was no longer very scary. In fact, it was small, cute, and animated. Not unlike Bugs Bunny.

"Cooool...."

______________________________________________________________

As if you can't by now guess who Ceryan is supposed to be in a future life... ^^; the invention of Toon World! What can I say? I happened to be trying on a kimono at the time... 


	3. Revenge Is Either Sweet as Sugar or Suga...

Well, I think I'll alternate on updating my fanfictions... once every two weekends. Gah... I have no idea what anyone would think of this picture on my website. www.royaltwilight.com/kfanc I like how Cat (my character for my novel) came out, but my original Bakura was kinda sketchy. Anyway, I was hyper today, so I was looking at too many season two pictures of Bakura... it looks likea like a sailor outfit. And then I thought, 'Pirate!' so... I dressed him up in a pirate costume. Then I gave him Kaiba's kimo-ah... robe for being such a good sport and the millennium rod for a day. Then I blamed him when Kaiba asked where it was.

Oh, and picture this: Yami Bakura. Invader Zim. *goes away singing the Doom song* Oh, and I was busy today because I was scanning a lot of my drawings, so now there's a big frog on the front page of Royaltwilight. Mwahaha...

*************************************************************************

...and then the cave did what it did best, cave in. 

"Well," Ceryan said optimistically, "That is one way to do it."

"True," Kaiba agreed, "It's absolutely marvelous that we've escaped the evil chibified dragon of DOOM, only to suffocate in a cave probably full of flesh-eating crocodiles. Now, instead of having only one way to die, by decapitation, we can either choke to death or be slowly disemboweled. It's just lovely to have options, isn't it?"

"A grateful one, aren't you?" Bakura muttered. "Why don't you just-Oh, for Ra's sake, I can't see a thing-Ceryan, go light a match or something, will you?" Grumbling, Ceryan rummaged around for something to light.

"Well, you're the tomb robber. I'm sure you've gotten yourself into things like this hundreds of times. So, now what?"

Bakura opened his mouth, but nothing came out. "I should've just moved to Mesopotamia when I had the chance." he muttered. He grabbed two stones and a stick and tried to start a fire with them. "Well, this is prehistoric."

"You'd make a perfect caveman." Kaiba observed, leaning against the cave wall.

"You know, if you want to help, you could just take that rod and stuff it up your-" But he never got to finish his sentence because Kaiba whacked him on the head again with the millennium rod. "Fine." he muttered, swiping the stick against the rock. He started a tiny flame. "See? A light." he said proudly. The fire burned itself down the stick and burned his hand. "Or not," He dropped the stick immediately, blowing on his fingers.

"The Homo Habilis and Homo Erectus learned to harness fire." Kaiba mused. "And Homo Sapiens learned to create and use fire. I was going to call you a Neanderthal, but I'm afraid you don't fit any of those categories."

Before Bakura could say anything, Ceryan returned, cupping something in his hands proudly. "I found something." he said, restating the obvious. 

Bakura looked to see what he was holding. "Um... okay. I suppose that would work."

Ceryan put what he was holding on the ground, and Bakura repeated his unsuccessful fire ritual, this time lighting whatever Ceryan had before letting go of the stick. The room was slightly illuminated.

"What did you do?" Kaiba asked curiously.

The two exchanged looks. "Match box, one gold coin." Ceryan began.

"Fishing bait, two." Bakura continued.

"Setting a worm on fire and watching it writhe and squirm until it finally disintegrates into dust," Ceryan started, then, in unison, "Priceless,"

"That's disgusting!" Kaiba groaned.

"But you do have to admit, it work-" But before Bakura could finish, the worm-light gave out. "Well, that was pointless."

"You're a bug sadist." someone said (it was difficult to tell who, since it was so dark.)

"Now that we're back to where we started," Kaiba leaned back against the wall. "We'd best-" He glared. "Bakura, it's not nice to point." 

"Point? What are you-" He stared down at his millennium ring, which was faintly illuminating the room. One of its ends-or something, he didn't know exactly what it was-was pointing straight at Kaiba. "I swear this thing just cackled." As though through a millennium-ring style innocent-eyes, the end swivelled to point straight down. "These things are demented." he muttered. 

But then they found out exactly what the ring was pointing to. As though in revenge for killing to worm, a huge bug burst out of the ground. A man-eater bug (TM). Except a man-eater bug would not really fit in the cave, hence, having Bakura on top really didn't help. 

"What the hell is this thing?" he yelled, half-trying to hold on for dear life and half trying to get off.

"Ah..." Ceryan said, "Big!"

"I can see that! I was looking for something more along the lines of how to get down!"

"Oh, forget it," Kaiba muttered, pointing the millennium rod at the Duel Monster. The bug immediately stopped fidgeting and let Bakura down. "I don't want any 'You saved my life' speeches. I did that to shut you up, and if you start jabbering again I'll just have it eat you."

"I have no intention of giving one," Bakura muttered, brushing himself off.

"Good. Now, I'm going to instruct our insect friend to find us a way out of this place. If it wasn't for the fact that I needed someone to do my dirty work, you would've been dead already." And then, under his breath, "I hope that the Pharaoh is having as lovely a time as I'm having."

***********************Meanwhile*************************

"Baroten, have you seen Kaiba?" Yami asked. "I must've sent for him an hour ago."

Baroten looked up from a sheet or papyrus filled with blueprints. "No, but on the bright side, I haven't seen those two thieves. It's amazing how fast these things get done when there's no one to break it down."

"What?"

"I said the pyramid's going well." He then opened a local newsletter. "Ooh, 'The Trial of Romulus for the Brutal Murder of his Brother, Remus, Rages On.' 'Camel Caravans from Arabia Due to Arrive in Two Months.' That'd be good for the economy. 'Climate looking bad for Africa This Year, Again. Except Gray Skies and Crazy Showers Throughout Next Week.' Hey Yami, the wet season's coming early this year..."

"No, about the tomb robbers," He was ignored. "Wait? The Arabian caravans? Already?"

**************************...Back at the ranch*****************************

The wall of rocks came crashing down, and a man-eater bug and three others came through the opening. "This opens right into a temple," Kaiba declared, holding onto the man-eater's neck and looking back. "We should come out near the eastern edge of the Nile. Right where you were convicted for the first time, if I remember correctly."

"Good. Now just get us out of here." Bakura growled.

"Touchy."

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" Ceryan yelled.

"I know this temple inside and out. I don't need your commentary to help-" Kaiba was right, though. The problem was that the bug didn't. And when he looked back, the man-eater bug was free to run wherever he wanted, like, into a wall, sending all four of them spinning in different directions.

"Oh sure, you really do know this place well," Bakura grumbled, looking for where the other two had landed. (He didn't really care about Ceryan.)

Kaiba struggled to stand up. "Yes, well-" But then the ground crumbled beneath him, activating the trap which he, ironically, had insted on putting there in the first place (it was the present day dark hole-an import from Greece. [c] 5210 BC Artemis Incorporated, all rights reserved). He grabbed onto the edge, barely able to not fall in. "Oh, Ra..." he breathed.

Bakura had the sudden urge to make a Scar from the Lion King speech. "This is convenient." he mused.

"Convenient? Help me here, already!"

He checked his nails. "No, I don't think I will. See, if I remember correctly, you were going to kill us when we got back as a sacrifice to the gods, whom I don't believe in anyway. I don't think Ceryan's getting up any time soon, and I was hoping to kill you as soon as we were out of here, but I think this is much easier, don't you?" 

"You owe me for back there." Kaiba growled.

"Hmm, you're right. Now, the problem with the whole I-O-U deal is that, if I don't pay you back, you're not going to be able to do a thing about it. It just works out that way, you know?" And with a sadistic laugh, he took the man-eater bug and left. 

************************************Meanwhile********************************

Rebecca had never been anyone special, in fact, her main job was to wash things in the Nile at the conspicuous time when our story is happening. She was very smart, and had her eye out for a certain priest (wouldn't ya know who). But, quite suddenly, a wall crashed down on her, and that was the end of our dear friend Rebecca.

"They out to consider these things for construction work," Bakura thought, steering his Duel Monster out along the vast river.

**************************************************

Kinda sounds like it's coming to an end, don't it? *scratches head* Oh, and Kaiba didn't die.He got out eventually. :3 As for the man-eater bug, Kaiba released it from the millennium rod's control, so Bakura came back from a drink in the Nile to realize that it was gone. (D'oh!) Free, free to roam about forever in man-eater bug land and do things man-eater bugs...like...to...do... Um, right. Ceryan died of a concussion, but no one really cares about him. And there will be another chapter, and more after that. See the little thing up there? It says 'Act One.' Hint, hint. This chapter drove me up a wall... *whacks head against keyboard* Sorry it's so late! ...the 6th chapter of Yami Bakura Divided by confusion equals algebra will be up on time, though. ^^

Also, Ryou wasn't Yami Bakura's first reincarnation. Remember when he said to Pegasus that he had been playing for centuries? The time when he's tuck in the Ring doing nothing, he isn't playing the Shadow Games. *is having fun drawing Yami Bakura as a mediaeval madrigal* Hence, act two, and so on. If you want present day Yami B, that'd be the Algebra one. *cackles insanely* 


	4. Act Two: And nothing but the truth

Takahashi has crossed a line with me, okay folks? We do not allow a girl to trail after a certain character for three-hundred-seven manga chapters and THEN decide to give the guy a tragic past. You just don't. It's not right. It should be against the Constitution. They canNOT give Yami Bakura a tragic past. Not now. . . . Not now. . . . Not after I've worked so hard on all my fanfictions. Not after I worked so hard to discourage others from writing angst about him. Not. Now.

Of course, it could be a false alarm. I'm getting this stuff from that zany doujin site that I usually interpret from. You know, the Japanese gals whom everyone plagarizes? I could be wrong. But if I'm not, I am personally whacking some sense into Takahashi if I have to swim across the Pacific Ocean.

I am also running off with Little Yami Bakura from my 'Only Yesterday and a Dream or Two Away' and am using him for one of my novels. I am then going to throw my hands up, declare that Japanese culture is dying, and walk away from anime as we know it. And start buying Disney DVDs, because they have all those neat special features. And 'Thursday Next' novels. Plok-plok. Seriously. I really thought Yami Bakura had a change. [sighs] Such a promising character wasted to that God damn old cliche of a tragic past. Anyway. . . .

I bet you thought this day would nevah come, didn't chuu?

It's the latest installment of . . . The Tomb Robber's Guide to the Pyramids! Boo yah, baby!

Unfortunately, Kazuki Takahashi is screwing Yami Bakura over as we speak. Pray for him.

_______________________________________________________________

Bakura, the modern day Bakura, set his research paper down on the table and stared at his yami.

Yami Bakura glared, tapping his foot irritably on the linoleum floor. "You have ten seconds to turn that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect." He then watched, amused, as his landlord wrestled with himself to find out just what a look of enormous respect looked like.

"Well, I'm sorry." Bakura Ryou apologized. "It's just that I particularly want to know what the whole confrontation-with-the-Pharaoh was really like, if you say the manga artist screwed it over so badly. I'm not sure what this whole thing with Kaiba and the kimono thing will do to help."

"Honestly," the yami tutted, "do you really think that To Kill a Mockingbird would be such a famous book if they'd started right off with the Tom Robinson trial right off the bat? Give me a second. I'll get there."

________________________________________________________________

And, surprisingly, he did.

Isis's Millennium Tawk glowed brightly in the afternoon sun. "Something's coming." she murmured, "something evil."

At which point Seto turned to her and asked, "Who are you impersonating now, Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke?" Standing still for several hours turned him skeptical. Isis nudged him in the ribs.

"He's coming." she continued, just as mysteriously.

Coming out of a half-asleep trance, Yami took this chance to take charge. "Increase the guard on the front gate." he barked. "Make sure all the gates are locked. Everyone, hold your ground. I might be needing your magical assistance."

"Look alive, people." Seto enthused, though the only one not to catch his mocking tone was the Pharaoh himself. "Your Majesty's gone into lockdown mode. Keep your quills and reeds ready, scribes. Looks like we're covering military drills three thousand years ahead of schedule-"

"Seto!" snapped Aknadean, Seto's father.

"Master Seto," whispered one of the palace servants into the boy's ear. "You would do well to hold your tongue. Your father was *two ranks* higher than you at your age."

"Ya, and look what happened to him." the young priest retorted. "He's got the only Millennium Item that requires surgery."

And then, much to everyone else's relief, there was silence. 

And more silence.

And even more silence, in which the evil that was prophesied minutes ago had yet to come.

Then, after some ten minutes of this, an entirely new thing came upon the palace:

Quiet.

Then there was a dull clang and a thud like a body hitting the floor. A voice: "Would any of you gentlemen mind . . . I'm back here." Heads turned. A white haired thief stood next to the throne, a vase in his hand, Yami at his feet.

"Demon!" declared the priest Shadi, pointing the Millennium Ankh at him. "He must've used dark magicks to get in!"

"Or invisibility!" Isis suggested.

"Or the back door." Bakura suggested, jabbing a thumb to the back of the room. There was yet another silence. "Just how long have you people been standing here, anyway?"

"Thief!" shouted Shadi, "how dare you wound the Pharaoh?"

"Now, I personally would have gotten something seriously wrong with my back if I were standing like any of you, but I suppose there are worse things, you know?"

"Thief boy?"

"I mean, look at that weird little Caucasian tribe thingy they got a ways down yonder. You complain about a little chest pain, and they take out your lung, wash it, and put it right back in like nothing happened."

"Thief boy!"

"Now, understandably, they've sort of got this bad mortality rate problem, but their standards for mummification have got the little mummy boys over here running for cover, an'-"

"Bakura!" And this time it was Seto yelling.

"Yes?" Bakura said lightly. "You know, your personal guard fell on me and broke my wrist two months ago, and I'm still angry."

"You're still angry?" Seto raved. "You're still angry!"

"Yes, I'm still angry." Bakura confirmed, "I think we've established that already."

"If you think *you're* angry. . . ."

"Yes, I do, as a matter of fact."

"Just let me finish!" the young priest snapped. "As I was saying, if you think *you're* angry, think how angry I am, eh? Remember when you almost got me killed in that temple? And that other thief with you -he turned the damn thing into some . . . manic plush toy!"

Bakura considered this. "Ya, but you were the one trying to cut its tail off, remember?"

"I don't care! Hell knows why I didn't end up killing you when I had the chance. Do you know how much trouble I could've gotten into if anyone had fo-" He turned around. There was not an eye in the room that was not on him. "F-found . . . out. Oh. Hi."

Another bout of silence was followed by a labored intake of breath. "Ah, Seto?" said Aknadean, "may I see you outside for a moment?" Seto directed a very rude gesture indeed at Bakura before making his way out the door, much in the same manner as one going to a funeral.

"Well," Bakura went on indignantly, "as I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted-"

"Guards!" bellowed Shadi, "seize him."

"You know," the thief added, "you're just dragging this out. And, really -oh." The 'oh' referred to the fact that two of the palace guards had grabbed him by the arms. "Er, so I guess you'll be taking me away then, huh?" The guard on the left nodded mutely.

Bakura considered the options. "All right, then. Just . . . one more thing before you do your stuff, okay?" He cleared his throat expressively to emphasize what he said next. "Diabound, come out, would you?"

Yet again, silence.

But it was a very, very short silence, and then there was suddenly a very large snake sitting on the two guards. The snake, unfortunately, was only half of it -the rear end, actually. The rest of it, a very, very large and winged humanoid monster, which, between you and me (and most certainly not Bakura) it looked rather like a megazord.

It was terrifying.

It was terrible.

It was still sitting on the guards.

And Bakura was perched smugly on it.

"Anyway," he continued, "I think I'd best be going now. Love to stay and chat, but, you know, day's just not long enough, and we've only got so much firewood. I'll get back to you when you people invent daylight saving's time, or you could come find me; whatever comes first. Until then. . . ." He and Diabound disappeared with as much a flourish as anyone can disappear with, leaving the entire room aghast.

But no one was as aghast at the situation as the guards, but the feeling was cut short as a crew of surgeons rushed in and dragged them, even more flustered than when they had been sat upon, for amputation.

As their desperate screams filled the air, the members of the Egyptian clergy were silent, even Aknadean and Seto, deep into a family feud. Then, after a final clang that announced that the surgeons had put the screaming guards out cold (Boy, would they be ecstatic to find out one day that there would be a way to numb the pain while chopping off someone's arm.) they began arguing again.

Aknadean sighed in a disappointed-parental way. "Seto, I just don't feel I trust you anymore."

As I've probably mentioned a hundred times over, this sounded a lot different if one had been listening to the rest of the conversation, which no one had. "About damn time then!" Seto burst out. "How is it that you don't seem to get it, huh? I can do things just fine by myself, and no one else seems to have a problem with that, but you -er. . . ." This 'er,' much like Bakura's 'oh,' wasn't originally included in his speech. It was due to the fact that a typewriter had suddenly appeared in his arms.

In an instant, all eyes were on him. Including the Pharaoh's, which had just reopened after being whacked. Quietly, Isis spoke. "What is it?"

Seto gawked at it. "I-I don't know." All the young priests gathered around him -that would be Isis, Shadii, Mahaado (who will not be with us for very long) and Karim (whom you probably don't know -he doesn't talk much, anyway) -along with the Pharaoh. Hesitantly, Shadii reached out and took a jab at one of the keys. Immediately, a small kuhtunk sound came out of it as it stamped the letter T onto a standard sheet of paper. The group drew back with a gasp.

But then, quietly, they exchanged looks. "Ooh. . . ."

"Do it again!"

Tap.

". . . That all?"

Encouraged, Shadii began typing as fast as his fingers would allow, much to the entertainment of the court. Aknadean was the first to recover from this miracle. He scowled at the youngsters, and opened his mouth to say something, but at that moment, the machine's paper holder, which had been moving slowly to the side, slid back to the middle, issuing a loud PING, and he toppled backward with surprise. He stormed away to his chambers, with another "ooh," from the clique following him down the hall.

__________________________________________________________________________

. . . well, if the iron knife that the Rod has (which, I'm sure you've heard me way, is historically incorrect -the Egyptians had no iron), then I don't see why they can't have a typewriter, too.

To get a better idea of how Diabound looks, see the Egypt Arc.

Now, for some long awaited review-answering (I really ought to do this with my Algebra fic, ne?):

Megami-chan: Sorry for the Rebecca thing. She was also supposed to be a character in by novel, but I changed it to Sunny (for irony's sake -Sunny, the most depressing ghost in the world). Must be the teddy bear thing.

Shadow Bakura: Have you published your fic yet? I'd love to see it. (I rarely read anything except fics about his past life, really. They run short.)

akutenshi tsuki : Point? Fanfictions are supposed to have points? Sorry, it's just that I don't usually think out or plan the stories that I'm not trying to publish traditionally and make bestsellers. (My novel, ya know.)

Yami-chan: Anytime. I like reading reviewers' fics. ^^

Neko-chan: Naw, Yami's okay. I tell you now I'm not much of a Yami fan, though. (My music video, Lucky Kid, is mainly about how much of a prep he is, and how annoying Yami Bakura and Seto find him -my favorite lines for the verse with Yami Bakura are, "I wanna turn you into a Corvet, I wanna drive you outa your mind.")

Unrealistic: Ya, the Hitchhiker's Guide ROCKS. So does the Diskworld series. (I'm reading the Wyrd Sisters right now. It's hilarious!)

Also, I may be putting this to a song from Chicago or something eventually. I have this vision of Yami Bakura being captured and being kept in some sort of prison thing and then . . . The Cell Block Tango.

. . . it was a murder but not a crime!

[evil grin]

Pop. Six. Squish. Uh-uh. Cicero. Lipschitz!

  
  



End file.
